Mark Ronson plays Not My Job on NPR's "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" : NPR

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON, BYLINE: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real live people.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm the voice that's so beautiful a sea witch once tried to take it from me in exchange for legs...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

ALZO SLADE: Yeah, buddy. Let them know, Bill.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Ill. Filling in for Peter Sagal, it's Negin Farsad.

(APPLAUSE)

NEGIN FARSAD, HOST:

Thanks, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Thank you, everybody. As Bill said, I am Negin Farsad. Let the disappointment set in that I am not Peter Sagal. Trust me, I'm disappointed too. I could have been a white guy...

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: ...Who's into jogging. I mean - later on, the incredibly talented music producer Mark Ronson will join us to play our games. But first, it's your turn. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

TOM: Hi, Negin.

FARSAD: Hi. Who are you?

TOM: This is Tom from Juneau, Alaska.

FARSAD: Oh, my gosh, Juneau, Alaska.

KURTIS: Sounds good - doesn't it? - right now.

FARSAD: What's it like over there?

TOM: It is absolutely stunningly beautiful.

FARSAD: All right, stop rubbing it in.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Wait for the Juneau heat dome, OK?

TOM: Yeah, right.

FARSAD: All right, let's get into it. Tom, actually, let me first introduce you to the panel. First up, it's a comedian who you can see on the WAIT WAIT Stand-Up Tour next month in San Diego and San Francisco. It's Alzo Slade.

(APPLAUSE)

SLADE: What's up, Tom? How you doing, man?

TOM: Hi, Alzo. Nice to meet you.

SLADE: Likewise.

FARSAD: Next, he's the host of the daily podcast "TBTL" and also the public radio show "Live Wire," which returns to the Alberta Rose Theatre in Portland, Ore., September 14. It's Luke Burbank.

(APPLAUSE)

LUKE BURBANK: Hey, Tom.

TOM: Hi, Mr. Burbank. How are you?

FARSAD: And making her debut on our panel, she's a writer and comedian who is currently on strike, living in LA, which is short for Los Angeles. It's Shantira Jackson.

SHANTIRA JACKSON: Hey, Tom.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM: Good to meet you, Miss Jackson.

FARSAD: Well, Tom, welcome to WAIT WAIT. You're here to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read three quotes from this week's news while melting your heart with his voice. And if you know two of them, you'll win our prize, which is the voice from anyone on our show on your voicemail. You ready?

TOM: Well, I have my whole family here, so if my wife and I don't know the answer, we've got a ringer lineup of our dogs and cats here to back us up.

FARSAD: (Laughter) Awesome. OK, here you go. Your first quote is Chris Christie insulting somebody Wednesday night.

KURTIS: He sounds like ChatGPT.

FARSAD: That was Chris Christie talking about Vivek Ramaswamy, a man who stole the spotlight at what big event?

TOM: That would be the first Republican debate in Milwaukee, Wis.

FARSAD: That's right, the debate.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: Wednesday marked the start of campaign season with the first GOP presidential debate. Eight Republican candidates vied to get the chance to lose to somebody in jail, and...

(CHEERING)

FARSAD: ...And nobody shined brighter than Vivek Ramaswamy's teeth.

FARSAD: Panel, did you guys watch the show?

SLADE: Yo, Ramaswamy has some strong teeth, though, you must admit.

FARSAD: Oh, my God, it's alarming. His teeth are alarming. I - honestly, the whole thing was wild. And I actually thought that the audience was some of the weirdest part of it. Like, the moderators had to keep turning around and telling the audience to, like, settle down. I mean, and - for my money, I was like, come on, let them have fun. I mean, what's the worst that could happen when you rile up a bunch of Trump fanatics?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Right?

(CHEERING)

FARSAD: What's the big deal?

SLADE: It would have definitely been entertaining to see the crowd just get rambunctious and just take over the stage and steal the lecterns and...

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: ...I just would have loved to see Mike Pence's hair messed up.

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: That dude has Lego hair.

BURBANK: Totally.

FARSAD: And I don't know if you guys missed this, but the first question to the candidates was about the No. 1 song on the Billboard Hot 100, the song "Rich Men North Of Richmond." Can you imagine if the song was still "WAP"?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Honestly, like, Mike Pence would have just turned into dust.

BURBANK: He would have looked...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: ...He would have looked offstage to see what his wife was thinking and would have been like, Mother?

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: Which candidate do you think would have been most likely to twerk?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Probably Ramaswamy...

FARSAD: Yeah.

BURBANK: ...'Cause he's, like, shameless. Isn't he, like, rapping Eminem on the campaign trail? Like...

SLADE: Oh, that's right. Yeah.

FARSAD: Like, at every stop, that guy raps.

SLADE: I'm sorry I asked that question.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: OK, let us move on to your next quote. It's a new official term from the Federal Aviation Administration.

KURTIS: Skin to skin.

FARSAD: Well, that phrase describes an incident happening with increasing frequency when two whats almost crash into each other?

TOM: Planes.

FARSAD: That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: Planes.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: A new report from The New York Times finds that close calls - airplanes almost hitting each other, both on the ground and in the air - happen more often than we thought with 46 incidents happening last month alone. The FAA responded with a statement which was basically, I know, right?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Crazy.

SLADE: Is it just not enough space up there or what?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Right? One of the things they attributed it to was that they have a lot of young pilots now because there was a pilot shortage, and they've got new folks in the pipeline. And I can tell you that as a person who is rapidly advancing in age myself, I don't like it that most of the pilots are younger than me now. That does not make me feel super confident.

FARSAD: And I don't like their plan for this which is to put bumper stickers on planes that say, student pilot, please be patient.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Don't like that.

SLADE: Or another one that says if you can read this, you're probably too close.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: OK. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: Whenever you skip your daily Starbucks, you're making money.

FARSAD: That was a person on TikTok explaining girl math, a new way to think about doing what?

TOM: Oh, I am stumped.

FARSAD: (Laughter).

TOM: Yeah, I don't do social media, so you've got me stumped.

BURBANK: This also feels like...

TOM: I need a hint.

BURBANK: ...A real minefield for you, Tom.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: What do you think girl math means?

TOM: It probably is. Yeah, I feel like my best course of action here is to ask for someone else to answer this question.

FARSAD: Well, let me give you a hint. OK. Girl math helps you with your finances. You just kind of say that back at me. It'll - we'll really...

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: ...It'll just, like, lock this question up.

TOM: Girl math helps you with your finances.

SLADE: Hey, Tom.

FARSAD: That's right. It helps you with spending money...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: ...And managing money. Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Oh, Tom, you did so well with that. The Washington Post is reporting on girl math, the latest way to feel like you're making money while going broke. Like, did you return a hundred-dollar pair of jeans? Treat yourself because you just made a hundred dollars.

(LAUGHTER)

JACKSON: Absolutely. Absolutely.

FARSAD: Talk to me about how you do girl math.

JACKSON: Let me tell you about girl math.

FARSAD: Yes.

JACKSON: Girl math is you go to Marshalls. You go to T.J. Maxx.

FARSAD: Yeah.

JACKSON: You are a Maxxinista (ph).

FARSAD: Yes.

JACKSON: And you buy a cup you do not need. And then you go, I don't need this cup. And you take it back, and you get a gift card for that cup. And guess what? That's free money.

FARSAD: Free money.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: OK, here's some more examples of girl math - OK? - for those of you who don't know like Tom. If something is on sale and you don't buy it, you're losing money, OK? If you have money sitting in your Venmo account, that's free money.

JACKSON: Absolutely.

BURBANK: A hundred percent.

JACKSON: Yes.

FARSAD: So if you spend it, that money doesn't count. And if a friend pays you back for something, that's, like, stock dividends, OK?

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: That's not how math works.

JACKSON: We didn't call it math. We called it what?

SHANTIRA JACKSON AND NEGIN FARSAD: Girl math.

FARSAD: Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SLADE: I feel like that's a little disrespectful.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Can I...

JACKSON: Girl math. It's for me.

BURBANK: ...Can I be an ally? - because I do all of this stuff. This is - if there's money in my Venmo account, that's just, like, found money. I will spend it on the most random stuff.

JACKSON: Here's the thing. If you want to be a ally to girl math, give me some money.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Oh, OK.

(APPLAUSE)

BURBANK: I teed that one up.

FARSAD: But also...

SLADE: And if that's the case, I'm going to invoke equal opportunity.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Bill, how did Tom do?

KURTIS: Great. Three in a row. Happy Juneau.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Oh, Tom, thank you so much for calling in, and have fun in Juneau.

TOM: Thank you. This was a delight.

FARSAD: Bye, Tom.

OK, panel, it's your turn to answer questions from the news. Alzo...

SLADE: Yes.

FARSAD: ...Ticketmaster has been selling special listening seats for more than $200 each for Beyonce's tour. They're just like regular seats, except you can't what?

SLADE: You can't see the show?

FARSAD: (Laughter) Yeah, that's right. You can't see anything.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SLADE: What?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Do you want an experience that's just like listening to Beyonce on Spotify except it sounds worse and you might get COVID? Try listening seats.

SLADE: So, wait, they - so you actually have to go to the venue, and she's performing.

FARSAD: Yeah.

SLADE: So like the overflow in a Southern Baptist church.

FARSAD: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Yeah, that's exactly what it's like. Yes. Same type of show.

SLADE: Do they - they don't even have it on a screen?

FARSAD: No. You, like, are staring - I mean, look, these seats are basically situated behind pillars or other obstructions. So they're not, like, listening seats. They're more like lean aggressively to one side seats so you can try and see something. But mostly you're looking at a pillar.

JACKSON: I'll be honest, I would do this, and I would just have to go to the bathroom a lot. And I would just...

BURBANK: Right.

JACKSON: ...Be like, excuse me, I got to go to the bathroom. Let me stand in this stairwell.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: And here's the deal. Like, look, we can't all afford seeing seats, so I get listening seats. But what are these $500 smelling seats?

JACKSON: If it's Beyonce, it's probably good.

BURBANK: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: I'm not paying $500 to smell Beyonce.

FARSAD: (Laughter).

JACKSON: We are very different people.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: I got the smell seats at the Ted Nugent concert - big mistake. Huge mistake.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

FARSAD: Coming up, we smell something fishy at the supermarket. It's our Bluff the Listener. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. In mere moments, we'll be back with more WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Luke Burbank, Alzo Slade and Shantira Jackson. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., filling in for Peter Sagal, it's Negin Farsad.

FARSAD: Thanks, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: And now it's time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-88-WAITWAIT to play our game on air. Hello, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

EMMA: Hi, this is Emma (ph). I'm calling from Bozeman, Mont.

FARSAD: Hi, Emma in Bozeman, Mont. Is that town, like, riddled with "Yellowstone" cast members?

EMMA: Probably. But I don't venture out much because I'm just sick of the inundation of people.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: In Montana?

(LAUGHTER)

EMMA: In Bozeman, Mont.

JACKSON: I like her.

EMMA: Yeah, for real.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Well, I like her, too. And it's so nice to have you with us, Emma. In this game, our pals will each share a story, but only one is true. You have to figure out which is the true story. Bill, what's the topic?

KURTIS: Something's amiss at the Pak'n'Save.

FARSAD: Nothing is more dependable than the supermarket Pak'n'Save. It tells you everything you can expect right in its name. This week we read about something surprising going wrong at a particular Pak'n'Save. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth, and you'll win our prize - the WAIT WAITer of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

EMMA: I'm ready.

FARSAD: Awesome. OK.

EMMA: I'm so excited.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: All right. First up, it's Alzo Slade.

SLADE: We all know when it comes to home cooking, the food is better the second day, third, and fourth if you're adventurous.

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: Meatloaf, lasagna, mac and cheese - it's like the seasonings come alive after hanging out and having a sleepover in the refrigerator.

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: A Pak'n'Save supermarket in Canada made headlines for its new beloved line of prepared foods, affectionately known as Mom's Leftovers. It was a huge success with customers lining up at the supermarket cafe for their lunch meal that reminded them of home. Well, there's a reason why the meals tasted like somebody's home. That's exactly where they came from.

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: It turns out that these meals were repackaged leftover food from the employee break room refrigerator.

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: It started out as a cost-cutting measure that was successful until they tried to sell Brett's special loaded nachos, which had all the customers running.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: All right. So leftovers repackaged and sold from Alzo Slade. Your next story of a Pak'n'Problem (ph) comes from Shantira Jackson.

JACKSON: A London branch of the Pak'n'Save supermarket chain recently made headlines when it was discovered that a deli worker had been charging people extra money and pocketing it when they ordered sandwiches she thought were gross. She called it a nasty tax. The deli worker was a recent culinary school grad who said, quote, "I deserve to be compensated for the fact that some people have no taste." Sandwiches she raised the price on included the British Museum-wich, which is when you steal a little bit of everything from other sandwiches and hold it captive in one sandwich...

(LAUGHTER)

JACKSON: ...The royal family sandwich, where all the ingredients must be white...

(LAUGHTER)

JACKSON: ...The final sandwich she upcharged was the Brexit, a rusty, dusty, crusty, raggedy-a** breakfast sandwich mostly ordered by Tories. Until she was caught, the deli worker pocketed 12,000 pounds in nasty tax revenue. She has since been fired and asked to return the money. When asked if she felt remorse, she said, quote, "no."

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: A woman who's charging extra for nasty sandwiches from Shantira Jackson. Your last story of a grocer gone wrong comes from Luke Burbank.

BURBANK: It seems like every day there's a story in the news about something new and amazing that AI can do. And now we can add poisoning mankind to the list.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Pak'n'Save decided to create an AI meal bot named Savey that was supposed to suggest recipes, but something went a little haywire in Savey's brain - or the machines are finally turning on us as we knew they would - because surveys started suggesting meals like bleach-infused rice surprise - surprise, there's bleach in it - and also Oreo vegetable stir-fry. One recipe Savey called aromatic water mix, which would actually create chlorine gas.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: The bot described it as the perfect non-alcoholic beverage to quench your thirst and refresh your senses. What Savey failed to note is that inhaling chlorine gas can cause lung damage or death.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: A spokesperson for the supermarket said they were disappointed to see a small minority have tried to use the tool inappropriately and not for its intended purpose. They also noted that Savey has terms and conditions stating that users should be over 18 if they want to poison themselves.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: OK.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: All right, Emma, this is what you have. You've got a story about leftover food being repackaged and sold from Alzo, you've got a woman who's charging extra for gross sandwiches from Shantira, and from Luke, you've got an app that gives you poisonous recipes. Which one of these is real?

EMMA: The third story.

FARSAD: The AI?

EMMA: Savey.

FARSAD: OK, well, and to find out the correct answer, we spoke to someone reporting on the real story.

DAN LADDEN-HALL: Customers realized that the app recommended meals based on just anything. The most extreme example was a chlorine-gas-producing drink.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: That was Dan Ladden-Hall, a correspondent for The Daily Beast, who reported on the real story. Congratulations, Emma. You got it right.

EMMA: I'm super excited - super game.

FARSAD: Well, you not only earned a point for Luke, but you've won our prize - the voice of whoever you choose on your voicemail. By the way, there's a wonderful array of Negin Farsads to choose from for that voicemail, so I encourage you to limit your selections.

(LAUGHTER)

EMMA: You guys are all amazing. Love you, love the show.

FARSAD: Thank you so much for playing with us today.

EMMA: Thanks for speaking with me.

JACKSON: Bye, Emma.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET")

THE CLASH: (Singing) I'm all lost in the supermarket. I can no longer shop happily. I came in here for the special offer...

FARSAD: And now the game where big names do something tiny. It's Not My Job. Mark Ronson has won Grammys, a Golden Globe and an Oscar for co-writing and producing music for Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen and Lady Gaga. He is a staple of weddings everywhere with his hit song "Uptown Funk." This year, he composed the score and produced the soundtrack for the "Barbie" movie.

(APPLAUSE)

MARK RONSON: There you go.

FARSAD: That's right. So don't be shocked the next time you're at a wedding and everyone is dancing to "I'm Just Ken."

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Mark Ronson, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: So we're so excited to have you here, and one of my first questions is about "Uptown Funk." It was such a phenomenon, but do you remember where you first heard it in the wild?

RONSON: I do. I remember being in an Uber and hearing it, like - I think I was, like, coming home. Maybe I was a little drunk, coming home from a club at 2 in the morning. And it was like - it was the first time I ever heard on the radio, and it was the most exciting thing ever. And I remember saying to the driver - I was like, this is me.

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: But he's listening to, like, Bruno Mars, going like, don't believe it, you know? And he's like, this doesn't sound like you. Like, I'm like - obviously, no. I mean, I produced it. But anyway, no, it was so exciting.

FARSAD: Did you have an inkling then that it was going to be this worldwide phenomenon?

RONSON: Well, not by the Uber driver's reaction. But I also thought that - I thought - I - you know what it was? That song we worked on for a really long time, about seven or eight months, because Bruno was so - such a perfectionist. I kind of am. Jeff Bhasker, the other producer. We are in our work. So by the time we finally stopped bickering about it and got it to a point where we all felt good, we were like, wow, if it passed this peanut gallery, at least we know, you know, we feel good about it. But everything that happened after that was just such a wonderful thing. I mean, when you put a song out, it's no longer yours. It belongs to everybody, and then they decide what happens with it. So that's kind of what happened with that song.

FARSAD: So I want to talk to you a little bit about being a DJ. We talked before the show. And as you know, I have, in fact, shaken my booty, as it were, at a club where you were DJing. And it was just an incredible night. It was so fun. But it made me think you probably see a lot of weird stuff on the dance floor. Are you, like, basically embarrassed for everyone as you see them dancing to your music? Or...

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: I mean, I pretty much - I think part of the reason I became a DJ - I'm sure subconsciously - because I'm such a bad dancer that I picked this job where I would never really have to dance.

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: Like, I'm just in this sort of, like, secret area where no one can really see what I'm doing from the waist down anywhere with my legs, no matter how out of rhythm I might be. But I think that no, that if anybody's dancing, that's good enough for me. So, I mean, I have seen some - one of my favorite things, you know, in my early days of DJing in clubs in New York in the '90s, RuPaul once came into the club somewhere where I was DJing. And this was when Ru was in sort of plain clothes, in a very handsome suit, and came out to me and was just like, at the end of the night, you're making me dance so much, you're making my booty hurt. And I just thought that that was...

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: ...So cool that I put that on a business card. I just made these little DJ...

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: ...Business cards that just said, like, "You're making my booty hurt" - RuPaul.

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: Available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Well, let's talk about "Barbie," another worldwide phenomenon. I want to talk to you about scoring the movie, which you also did. Now that you've scored a movie, do you find yourself scoring, like, dramatic moments in your own life?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Or just, like, mundane - like, you're just, like, chatting with the barista, and then it's like, (vocalizing).

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: It's funny because now I'm just so hyper-attuned to, like - it could be the music in a Burger King commercial. I'm like, oh, I see why they did that now.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: That song legit slaps.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: (Singing) BK. Have it your way.

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: I am so now - suddenly have, like - I just - now all I can do is I can't even watch a movie. I don't even hear the dialogue. I'm just constantly paying attention.

FARSAD: So I heard this weird factoid about you. Is it true that the song "I Want to Know What Love Is" was written about your mom?

RONSON: Yes, that is absolutely true.

SLADE: I would hope so because that would have been insulting. You can't talk about somebody's mama like that.

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: Yeah, my stepfather's Mick Jones, who my mom married when I was 10. And he wrote that song, you know, for her. And it's like - I mean, it's definitely setting the bar pretty high, like, as a kid. Like, OK, well, you're not going to write anything as good as that for anybody. But also, what was more funny is that he had written a song. He tried to tell that he wrote the song "Waiting For A Girl Like You As Well." That was another big ballad that he had for her. And she was like, You wrote that song, like, five years before you met me. He's like, right, but I was waiting for a girl like you.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SLADE: Now, that's man math right there. That's man math.

RONSON: I know. I always...

JACKSON: I did something great a long time ago. I need credit for it now.

RONSON: Yeah, exactly. I was like, oh, my stepdad has game. That's cool.

(LAUGHTER)

JACKSON: The kids call it rizz?

BURBANK: Yes. Got that rizz.

RONSON: Oh, OK, yeah.

FARSAD: Well, Mark, we've asked you here to play a game that we're calling...

KURTIS: What about that "Downtown Funk"?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Yeah. That's what happens when I don't use foot spray.

FARSAD: So you, of course, release the smash hit "Uptown Funk." So we're going to ask you about "Downtown Funk," or stinky city smells.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: And amazingly, in this quiz, we only use the word urine once. Now answer two out of three questions correctly and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Mark Ronson playing for?

KURTIS: Brad Martin (ph) of Seattle, Wash.

FARSAD: All right.

(APPLAUSE)

RONSON: It's a 206. I have to represent. Brad, let's go.

FARSAD: All right. Here's your first question. Most towns come to their funks naturally, but some create their own, including Lincoln, Neb., which in the winter smells like what? Is it A, nutmeg which they mix in with their road salt? Is it B, new car smell from their factory that makes artificial new car smell kicking up production? Or is it C, animal pee, which they spray on their pine trees to keep people from stealing them for Christmas trees?

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: I'm going to go with C because that's the funkiest.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: And that is correct. The answer is animal pee.

(APPLAUSE)

RONSON: 'Cause like the whole thing about the funk - And I know that I'm not on camera for most people is was like that kind of face, you know? And, like, nutmeg does not make you make that face.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: All right. Here's your next question. Lots of cities have bad smells, but not every city has a song about how bad it smells. Which of these is a real recording? Is it A, the "Aroma Of Tacoma"? Is it B, "My Dear Eureka, How You Reeka (ph)"? Or is it C, "Pueblo, Colo., Smells Like A Rotten Egg Made Of Dead Skunks"?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Good luck punching that one up, Ronson.

RONSON: I'm going to go with A.

FARSAD: Yes, it is the "Aroma Of Tacoma."

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Some combination of a paper mill and oil refinery and Tacoma's natural stank made a smell so strong, it was immortalized in song. I'm not gonna lie. It's a bop.

BURBANK: Do you know that that mill is closing down? They announced it this week because I'm from back there. So the aroma of Tacoma is going away in the next, like, few months. So sniff it while you got it, people.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: All right. So here is your last question. GQ magazine published a list of the best-smelling cities in the world, including New Orleans, which they praised for what combination of scents? Was it A, incense and sweat? Was it B, old beer and frying fat? Or was it C, strawberry hurricanes and puked-up strawberry hurricanes?

(LAUGHTER)

RONSON: Just C sounds so good.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I'm sorry. The answer is B, old beer and frying fat got New Orleans on the good-smelling list. Yeah. All right. Bill, how did Mark do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, he's a winner, two out of three. Mark, congratulations. We'll give you another Emmy (ph) for this.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Mark Ronson is a Grammy and Oscar-winning producer, writer and DJ who composed the score and produced the soundtrack for the "Barbie" movie. Mark Ronson, thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

(APPLAUSE)

RONSON: Thanks so much.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "UPTOWN FUNK")

UNIDENTIFIED MUSICAL ARTIST: Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

FARSAD: In just a minute, Bill shocks your peacocks in our Listener Limerick Challenge game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on air. Stay tuned for more. WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.

KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Alzo Slade, Shantira Jackson and Luke Burbank. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., filling in for Peter Sagal. It's Negin Farsad.

FARSAD: Thanks, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: In just a minute, Bill philosophizes, I think, therefore rhyme am. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But first, we have some more questions for the panel.

Luke, this week, The New York Times told the story of a man who has been hiding a secret from his spouse for 15 years. What is the secret?

BURBANK: That he had both a Tinder and a Grindr account.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Can I get a hint?

FARSAD: Yes, yes. It's ironic because his partner will never trust him again.

BURBANK: He admitted that he didn't trust her. He admitted something to his partner.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: What am I missing here?

FARSAD: You're, like...

SLADE: A lot.

FARSAD: ...You're just like, not going to get this point is what's happening right now.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: This guy has not admitted to his partner that he's super rich and has...

BURBANK: A trust fund.

FARSAD: ...A trust fund.

BURBANK: Ding.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: So this guy wrote to the Times Ethicist column, quote, "Unbeknownst to my spouse, I have a trust fund that provides me with a monthly income of $25,000." Here's the deal. They've been together for 15 years, and this has never come up.

(LAUGhter)

FARSAD: It's a great conundrum for The Ethicist because it raises an interesting question - when is the right time to tell your wife you've just been pretending to go to work every morning for the past decade?

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: I read this story - because he kind of tried to tell her, hey, babe, you don't have to work anymore. We're good. And she's like, what do you mean we're good? He said, I make enough money for both of us. You mean by working at Subway? They don't pay you enough.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: On the other hand, it is kind of good news, like, if you're in the relationship.

JACKSON: I would beat his ass.

BURBANK: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Really? Even though you are going to be getting - even though...

JACKSON: I'd beat his ass. If I have to go to work? Have you ever been to a job?

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: I mean...

BURBANK: I do this.

JACKSON: All my life, I've been working. I'd be mad as hell.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: All right, Alzo.

SLADE: Yes.

FARSAD: This week, The Washington Post gave us great advice on how to make your house look clean without doing what?

SLADE: Cleaning it.

FARSAD: That's right. Without actually cleaning your house.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SLADE: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SLADE: I got this.

BURBANK: (Laughter).

FARSAD: The Washington Post gave eight tips for how to fake clean your house before guests come over so it looks amazing but is still disgusting. All you need to do is wipe down the surfaces, plump up your pillows, make sure it doesn't smell terrible and then shove everything loose into the laundry basket to deal with later.

BURBANK: Isn't that cleaning?

(LAUGHTER)

JACKSON: No, that is - say it with me - boy math.

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: That's what I'm saying.

BURBANK: All you do is wipe down every surface, vacuum the floor, do the dishes.

SLADE: The Washington Post came out with it? Bachelors been doing this for decades.

JACKSON: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

JACKSON: It's like you can ask a 12-year-old boy to write that article. Like...

FARSAD: Yeah. The Post also mentions turning up the lights because apparently brighter spaces look cleaner. But wouldn't it make more sense to turn off all the lights?

SLADE: No, no, no, no, no. If you turn on the lights early enough before they get there, the roaches start - they run and hide.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

FARSAD: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you want to play on air, you can call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can see us here most weeks at the beautiful Studebaker Theater in Chicago or on the road. We'll be in Los Angeles on September 28 and in Hartford, Conn., on October 19. And don't miss the WAIT WAIT stand-up tour. Coming up, we'll be in San Diego September 27 and San Francisco on September 29. Tickets and information on all of these at nprpresents.org. Hi, You're on. WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CARL HESTER: Hi, This is Carl Hester from Nashua, N.H.

FARSAD: Hey, Carl. What do you do there in Nashua?

HESTER: I am a Lutheran pastor.

FARSAD: Wow. Do you just have the weight of everybody's rage on your shoulders all the time?

HESTER: No, not so much.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Well, thanks so much for joining us today, Carl. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three limericks. The last word will be missing, and if you can guess that word on at least two limericks, then you win. Here's your first limerick.

KURTIS: This peacock's a pain in the neck to me. Their broods are more than we expect to be. To slow down their clip, we'll give them a snip. Male peacocks will get a...

FARSAD: Vasectomy.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: Yes.

FARSAD: Pine Crest, Fla., is overrun with peacocks. So city officials are paying over $20,000 to bring down the population by giving their peacocks vasectomies. It seems crazy, but do you know how hard it is to get a condom on a peacock?

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Do you know? This is actually a really interesting story because they don't want the male peacocks to know that they're shooting blanks because they still want them to peacock. So they are capturing them, putting them under, giving them a vasectomy and then turning them loose because they like their pretty feathers and all that. And if they were to just, you know, cut off all of the stuff, then the peacocks would stop peacocking. They also like to fight Teslas because they're so shiny that they think it's another peacock.

JACKSON: I like that.

BURBANK: Right?

FARSAD: By the way, Luke, you just said male peacock, which is a tautology. And we will be getting hate mail from NPR listeners about that.

BURBANK: I apologize. Peacock and peahen, right?

JACKSON: Peahen, yes.

FARSAD: Yes, exactly. Commissioners approved the plan last month, saying weirdest Eagle Scout service project I've ever heard, but go for it.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Here's your next limerick.

KURTIS: Salmonella provides a big hurdle, but no smooching would make my blood curdle. Those reptiles with shells, they all cuddle so well. So I will not stop kissing my turtle.

HESTER: Turtle.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: So in response to a salmonella outbreak, the CDC is begging Americans to stop kissing their turtles. I mean, over-the-shell stuff is fine, but...

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: You guys don't seem fazed by this. Are you guys just, like, making out with your turtles all the time?

JACKSON: I'm Black. I'm not kissing nothing in the mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: No, but this is crazy. The CDC announced that at least 26 people in 11 states have recently fallen ill due to a salmonella outbreak linked to pet turtles, and warns Americans to stop kissing them even if they're beloved pets. I mean, you'll get sick and you'll just lead them on, you know. It's not nice.

JACKSON: I appreciate that it's 11 states because I'm from Florida, and I'm assuming that 10 of the states are that one.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Right.

FARSAD: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: For Nintendo, I was a big star-io (ph). With Luigi, I drove a nice car-io (ph). For stars, we jump higher, but now I retire. No longer say, it's a me...

HESTER: Mario.

FARSAD: That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: Charles Martinet has been the voice of Mario for 32 years, spending decades recording catchy phrases like it's a me, Mario and woo-hoo and it's a me, Mario.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Martinet retired this week, and now Nintendo is looking for a new voice of Mario. But I kind of feel like they can just use the old recordings for forever.

SLADE: They should let me do it.

BURBANK: There you go.

SLADE: Yeah, it's me, Mario. You know what I'm saying?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Oh, dead ringer, Alzo. That was spot-on.

BURBANK: Yeah. Is there like - I'm not totally up to speed on the Nintendo universe, but are there other projects where Mario talks more than, like, the game that I used to play where the princess was always in another castle? Because he had no lines in that one.

SLADE: No lines. Exactly.

JACKSON: The most that I have seen Mario speak is in the most recent "Mario" movie. And he don't even talk like Mario.

FARSAD: No, he doesn't use that accent. Maybe their plan is to have Mario start commenting on current events like RIP Prigozhin.

JACKSON: Hey.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: All right, Bill, how did Carl do?

KURTIS: Carl hit them all, from turtles to Mario. Three in a row, Carl. You won.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Yes. Thank you so much calling in, Carl.

HESTER: You bet. Thank you, Negin.

(SOUNDBITE OF "GROUND THEME" FROM SUPER MARIO BROS.)

FARSAD: Now it's time for Lightning Fill in the Blank, the last game of the show and - let's be honest - the most stressful. Each player has 60 seconds to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, what are the scores?

KURTIS: Alzo and Shantira each have two, and Luke has three.

FARSAD: OK.

SLADE: How did Luke get three?

KURTIS: I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: All right. So, Shantira and Alzo, you are tied for second. And I'll arbitrarily choose you, Alzo, to go first. Are you ready?

SLADE: Yes.

FARSAD: The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Sunday, parts of California were hit with a combined weather event called a blank.

SLADE: A hurriquake.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: On Wednesday, the counteroffensive in blank reclaimed the city of Robotyne.

SLADE: Ukraine.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: This week, India became the fourth country to successfully land on the blank.

SLADE: Moon.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: On Tuesday, the Teamsters ratified a new contract with package delivery service blank.

SLADE: UPS.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: This week, a mission to remove a large piece of space junk from the Earth's orbit was derailed when blank.

SLADE: Teamsters went on strike.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: When the space junk was hit by other space junk.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: On Monday, viral country star Oliver Anthony became the first artist to have their debut at No. 1 on the blank chart.

SLADE: Billboard.

FARSAD: That's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: This week, a destination wedding in Italy...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

FARSAD: ...Had to be put on hold after the groom's dog blanked.

SLADE: Poo-pooed.

FARSAD: No, after the groom's dog ate his passport.

(LAUGHTER)

SLADE: Laxative may help.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Bill, how did Alzo do?

KURTIS: Alzo, you did very well. Five right, 10 more points. Total of 12 puts you in the lead.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: OK. And now, Shantira, that means it's your turn. Are you ready?

JACKSON: Sure (laughter).

FARSAD: All right. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, it was reported that the mercenary leader who led a coup against blank has died in a plane crash.

JACKSON: Russia.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: On Thursday, Maui County announced it was suing Hawaiian Electric, alleging it's responsible for the blanks that ravaged the island.

JACKSON: The fires.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: This week, 22 states faced alerts over excessive blank.

JACKSON: People doing stuff they ain't got no business.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: No, heat. This week, a woman in Texas was suspected of driving drunk after she blanked.

JACKSON: Hit something while she was drunk.

FARSAD: I'll give it to you. After she crashed into a don't drink and drive sign.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: On Sunday, Spain beat England 1-0 to win their first ever woman's blank.

JACKSON: World Cup. And old boy didn't even show up.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: On Monday, U.S. sprinter Sha'carri Richardson won the blank dash.

JACKSON: The 100, baby. Let's go.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Right. The 100 dash of the World Track and Field Championships. This week, police in Australia were searching for a man...

FARSAD: ...Charged with lighting a series of fires and for blanking.

JACKSON: Telling everybody he did it.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: No. And for having two live ducklings in his pants.

(LAUGHTER)

JACKSON: I would've never got that. I don't feel bad.

SLADE: I'm like, how did you lose that one?

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: In what Australian police are calling pretty much a typical day on the job, they've charged a man for arson and also for having two live ducklings in his pants.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: But that's not a crime. He should be celebrated. When he put them in there, they were just eggs.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Bill, how did Shantira do?

KURTIS: Five - 10 more points, 12 total. You and Aldo are tied.

JACKSON: Are still in second place.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: No, you're way ahead of me.

JACKSON: Oh, yeah.

BURBANK: I got to get a lot right to catch up to y'all.

FARSAD: Right. How many does Luke need to win?

KURTIS: Five right.

FARSAD: OK, Luke, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, former President blank turned himself in at Georgia's Fulton County Jail.

BURBANK: You love to see it. Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: On Tuesday, the White House announced a $5 billion push to develop new blank vaccines.

BURBANK: COVID.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: This week, South Carolina Supreme Court allowed the state's six-week blank ban to take effect.

BURBANK: Abortion.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: On Wednesday, the WGA rejected a proposed contract, opting to extend their blank.

BURBANK: Strike.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: This week, the SWAT team had to be called in after a fight broke out at Canada's blank event.

BURBANK: Tim Hortons opening in Ontario.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Canada's Soccer for Peace event.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: According to a new study, too much blank time is linked to developmental delays in toddlers.

BURBANK: Screen.

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: On Sunday, Blank officially became the highest grossing movie of 2023.

BURBANK: "Barbie."

FARSAD: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

FARSAD: This week, police in the U.K. began taking...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

FARSAD: ...Measures to stop a huge surge in people blanking on tombstones.

BURBANK: Laying?

FARSAD: I'll give it to you - having sex on tombstones.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Authorities in Suffolk, England, have begun blocking access to tombstones after a surprising number of people have been caught having sex, which is really weird but not as weird as the guy who started off the act by saying, (imitating British accent) this is what Grandma would have wanted.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Yikes.

FARSAD: Bill, did Luke do well enough to win?

KURTIS: Well, he got seven right, 14 more points. A total of 17 means he's the winner.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Now, panel, what will be the surprise at the next debate? Luke Burbank.

BURBANK: Everyone has to kiss a picture of Donald Trump on stage - with tongue.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Shantira Jackson.

JACKSON: We're going to have the first candidate to ever film a TikTok.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Alzo Slade.

SLADE: A trap door triggered by all statements not rooted in fact.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it here on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

FARSAD: Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thanks also to Luke Burbank, Alzo Slade and Shantira Jackson. And thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Negin Farsad, in for Peter Sagal. And we'll see you next week.

(APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: This is NPR.

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